The Power of Positive Thinking

I was racing like a lunatic.  We sat in traffic for about ten minutes on the back road while a massive wheel lashed to a crane hovered over our lane.  The cop wasn't letting any cars through.  Frustrated, I turned the car in the opposite direction and took another route.  "This always happens to me when I've got somewhere important to go!" I exclaimed, thoroughly exasperated.

Somehow, I managed to get to the appointment at precisely four o'clock.  "You're right on time," she said, kindly, "I got your voicemail so I thought you'd be a little late." 

"Sorry," I said.  "I try to call and let people know if I think I'll be late, but it all worked out.  I'm here, and I'm ready."

She ushered me into an office, asked for my paperwork and pointed towards the scale.  Oh GOD! my brain screamed, I can't step on that thing!  I know I gained weight.  I gained like five pounds since I weighed myself the other day.  Damnit!  I didn't think I'd be weighed today.  It doesn't really start until Wednesday.  Why did I drink that whole bottle of wine last night?!?!  Grrrr!  I cursed football.  If it hadn't been for NFL officials scheduling a Patriots game yesterday, I wouldn't have eaten all of that.  Or at least that's what I convinced myself.

Reluctantly, I took off my boots and stepped on the scale.  Surprisingly, it said I was two pounds lighter than when I weighed myself the other day.  Every scale is calibrated differently, I reminded myself.

We had a long chat about my weight history (yes, I really have been fat my whole life.  Evidence:  see  baby pictures with fat thighs that look like they had rubber bands on them), my health (yes, I really do have osteoarthritis in my knee and no, I'm not even middle aged) and what I've been doing to prepare myself mentally and physically for what's to come:

• Tried out Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred DVD and lived to tell about it (barely)
• Scheduled a Last Supper with some friends
• Started packing up the foods that will tempt me so I won't have them in the house
• Emailed family to ask them not to make me cookie trays for the holidays
• Started writing out a grocery list for the things I can have
• Began laying out a plan for what to eat and when (for example, I can't make shakes at work, so what's the workaround?)
• Drank the booze that could temp me while I'm on the restricted phase (because giving it away would be alcohol abuse)
• Developing a support network for when the going gets tough

I feel like I'm in a really good place right now.  I feel like I am finally ready to make a clean psychological break with food and start to see it with a more critical eye.  I chatted with the dietitian quite extensively about the cultural effects on food and the ideas some of us have about it.  I'm not saying it's my family's fault or my genetics for my being fat - I take full responsibility.  With that said, though, we do love our food and in my family we use it for far more than nourishment.  It's encouragement when you're sad, it's love when you're lonely, we use it to celebrate and reward and to show we care.  If my BMI is any indication, then I am TRULY loved.

It's going to be important to break those cycles if I want to be successful.  Food should be pleasurable, but there must be limitations as well.  I need a more balanced approach.