Danger Zone!

I somehow managed to get through Christmas Eve (my family's big celebration) relatively unscathed.  I did have a few cookies.  And by a few, I mean, precisely four.  But then the 'real trouble' started.  I am trapped in a house full of cookies and sweets and bread - my weaknesses.

Well if I had four cookies yesterday, I can have a few more today.  It's Christmas! I told myself.  And there began the steady slope to a place I had hoped not to be:  eating "out of the box" when there were so many ways for me to stay in it.

The next day, I had plans with a friend to go to a spa.  It was relaxing, but eventually we got hungry.  That meant lunch, but there was no simply plain salad.  I tried to make the healthiest choices I could given the options.  A spa with corn dogs?  Really?  Yes!  I avoided those.  Narrowly.

But then the blizzard hit and after two and a half hours in the car (to go about 25 miles, mind you), I didn't have the strength, fortitude or will to dig my own food out of the trunk of my car.  No, I settled on a small plate of roasted potatoes and a slice of prime rib.  Sure, it could have been worse, but see with the HMR plan it's sort of all or nothing.  Then it was a few cookies and before you know it, I'm not drinking as much water as I should either.

I am fairly certain that at Wednesday's weigh-in, I will be fortunate to not have gained back the 3.5 pounds I fought so hard to lose last week.  However, even if I have gained,  I am also certain that the program provided some damage control.  If I gained five pounds while minimally staying "in the box" imagine how much worse it would have been if I hadn't done any of it.  So, we shall see.

In the meantime, I've got one more challenging day ahead.  My mother and I are headed to Manhattan tomorrow to have lunch at Becco - a Lidia Bastianich restaurant with apparently no simple salad on the menu - and to see a show on Broadway.  On Wednesday, I will make the drive back home to New England and get back on track.  I am happy that there are no real food-based holidays for us until Easter.  Hopefully, by then I'll have lost 25 pounds or so and the motivation of losing weight will be stronger than the foods we traditionally eat.

With all of that said, I have managed the following while I've been away (which while a challenge, was also excellent that I managed to actually do):

• Christmas Eve - a one hour walk to see the holiday lights (205 cal burned)
• Christmas Day - 30 minutes on the stationary bike (350 cal burned); 1 hour of raking leaves (400 cal burned)
• Day after Christmas - 20 minutes in saunas (120 cal burned)
• Today - 2 hours of shoveling snow (600 cal burned)

Circuit Training

Last week, I borrowed Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred DVD from a friend.  "I can barely get through sixteen minutes," she gingerly warned me.  I found that hard to believe because she's far more in shape than I am.   However, I know that even at Level One, she's doing the harder moves.  I'm nowhere near that yet.

But!

I did complete Level One today using the modified versions of the workout.  Did I have to stop for a few seconds of rest?  Yes.  Did I make sure it was only a few seconds and not sitting out for a few minutes?  Absolutely.  How did I know?  I only allowed myself to stop for a max of two reps.  Otherwise, I know I would've lost momentum and just quit.

According to my Polar heart rate monitor, I burned as many calories in twenty minutes as I do in thirty minutes on the elliptical.  300 calories gone.  That means that the majority of my shakes today are like I never even ate them.  That's a huge help!

In class last night, we were talking a little bit about our plans for physical activity during the holidays and I told everyone "Look, I need to get my workout in as soon as I wake up or I just won't get it done.  I'll drag myself through the day and then make a million excuses.  I just get it done in the morning and tell myself 'Self, once this is done you're done for the day!' and it helps me get through."  I've never been one of those people that likes working out.  I don't get that endorphin high everyone talks about.  I don't even feel energized after a workout.  I feel absolutely exhausted and like life just gave me a swift kick in the ass.  It's not fun for me.

People always combat this with things like:  "You need to find something you enjoy" or "You need to switch it up so you don't get bored".  It's never been about that for me.  I can eat the same thing for months on end and not get bored.  I could do the same workout for months and not get bored.  I've tried so many things:  circuit training, swimming, jogging, ellipticals, Zumba, spin class, aerobic dance.  It's not about combating boredom or finding something I 'like'.  It's that I just don't like working out.  There's no enjoyment there.  It's something I do because I must.  

With that said, I am pretty stoked that after only the second time I've done the workout, I was able to complete the modified version.  My next goal will be to work up to completing Level One with the regular moves.

But now, I'm off to have breakfast.  Multigrain cereal with cranberries, apples and cinnamon.  Mmmm!

 
That, my friends, is HMR's actual multigrain cereal.  Delicious!

Week 1 Results

Remember all of that stress and agita I was creating for myself earlier this week with the whole scale/weighing myself daily thing?  Well, it turns out it was all for naught.

I lost 3.5 pounds this week.

I didn't have to starve myself.  I didn't exercise every single day like a maniac.  I stayed 'in the box' which is HMR-speak for "on the plan".  I drank at least 64 oz. of water a day, sometimes more.  I worked out three days in a row, but not at all for the other seven.  In fact, if I'm honest...I really didn't feel like I missed out on anything this week. 

I went to a cocktail party.  I threw a dinner party.  I went to the movies with a friend.  I went to lunch with a friend.  It meant that we didn't go to Flour but instead grabbed salads in a shopping center.  It meant that I sit near the crudite platter versus the cheese plate, which is frankly, where I would have rather been.   These small things had a big payoff this week!


Now, on to the harder part:  getting through Christmas Eve with desserts that look like this:

My Relationship with the Scale

My relationship with the scale can be summed up in the photo above.  This is my typical reaction when I step on the scale, which while I know it's unhealthy to do, is pretty much every morning.  So each morning, I shuffle from my comfortable bed to the bathroom, bleary-eyed, and step on the Scale of Doom.  Each morning, it provides me with a non-sensical response.  I mean, if I've stuck to this diet and I have not cheated a single time why is that thing not showing me smaller numbers?

I wonder if it needs new batteries, I thought to myself.  But that wouldn't explain it.  It works.  It's just not telling me what I want to hear. 

I panicked!

Fortunately it was Monday, which means it was time for my mid-week check-in with my coach.  I left her a voicemail during the hour she's slotted for these calls, but she wasn't there.  At four o'clock, I sent her a desperate email:  "I left you a voicemail this afternoon.  Please call me at your earliest convenience...I'm having a tough week."  My phone rang immediately.

"I have done everything I'm supposed to do," I said.  "I've been drinking water, which I hate, by the way.  I've been exercising, which I hate more than water and I haven't cheated a single time.  Why isn't the scale moving?  This is so demoralizing!"

"I can sum it up in four words," she responded.  "Put. The. Scale. Away."  She went on to explain how we all lose weight differently and some of us - like me - hold onto it.  "Look at your monthly numbers, not your week-to-week.  I guarantee that at the end of a month's time, you will have lost just as much as everyone else, but you won't have a loss every week."

Oh yes, I should have remembered.  A few years ago, I went on this kick about not starting my 30s as fat as my 20s and this is precisely what would happen: I'd work out like a crazy person and really be strict about my calories and have NO loss that week, but the next week when I slacked off a bit, I'd have a ridiculous three or four pound loss.  It was incredibly frustrating as I felt I could never put my finger on what was causing the losses versus retaining everything.  C'est la vie...this is part of life, right?

Besides, I've committed myself to this for at least six months. I'm not going to give up after the first week.  Even if the scale isn't showing what I'd hoped it would right now.

Now excuse me.  I'm off to whip up my breakfast.  Chocolate shake!

Workin' It Out

Let's get this straight, that photo isn't me...but it could be.  I laid in bed for a half hour, trying desperately to get back to sleep.  Eventually, I gave up.  Part of the HMR program is that we need to build up to burning 2,000 calories a week through exercise.  If I were to work out seven days a week, that means I'd need to burn 285 calories a day.  Even if you've never met me, you can probably guess that there's no way I'm going to work out seven days a week. 

With all of that said, I finally stopped fighting myself and got out of bed, grabbed my sneakers and my headphones and walked 50 feet down the hall to the gym in my building.  Yes, I am really that lazy.  It's not like I have to pay for a membership or drive through miserable New England weather to get to a gym.  I literally have one at the corner of my hallway.

I opted for the elliptical.  I know that I can get a good, full-body workout and burn about 300 calories in a half hour.  I also know that with the osteoarthritis in my knee, I really can't do high impact activities, especially at my current weight.  I chose the 'fat burn' setting and changed the visual so that I wasn't watching a boring quarter mile track.  

Thirty minutes later, I'd burned 325 calories and increased my distance by 55%.  What was cool about it was that I wasn't pushing myself that hard.  My speed only averaged like 3 mph, but the resistance was high.

I'm meeting a friend tomorrow and the plan is to run some errands, including picking up some DVDs so I can vary my workout throughout the week to prevent boredom.  Maybe tomorrow I'll try the stationary bike!

Under the Belt

With Day One under the belt, I can say with some confidence that this program really isn't as terrible as it sounds in theory.  A few days ago, I remember thinking to myself I can't live on vanilla shakes, but the truth is a shake packet can be turned into a LOT of combinations of things.

I started my day yesterday with an HMR 70+ vanilla packet.  I made a shake straight up because I didn't have the time to get creative.  For lunch, I packed a Beef and Bean Enchilada entree with 1 cup of frozen corn and 1/2 cup of black beans.  I added some salsa to spice it up.  I also made a pudding from an HMR 70+ chocolate packet and packed some fruit with me to snack on.

I had my first challenge last evening in that I had a work function to attend.  I knew this would likely entail cocktails and rich foods.  I thought about different strategies and once I arrived, I decided that the best thing to do was to get a sparkling water with lime and park myself near the crudite platter.  This way, when I was tempted to eat something, I didn't have to search it out.  Also, the platter was in a back corner where for most of the night, the servers didn't bring around too many other hors d-ouevres options.  It worked out perfectly.

Except that by the time I got home, I was famished.  I mean, a few grape tomatoes and some cukes during a cocktail party isn't really enough to hold anyone over, especially me.  I made it home a few hours later and was so grateful that the entrees only take a minute (literally!) to heat up.  I started eating a Beef Stroganoff entree while waiting for my veggies to cook.  I finished off my dinner with a pumpkin pie pudding (an HMR 70+ vanilla packet with 2 TBsp canned pumpkin - not pie mix! - and some cinnamon and nutmeg).

I reached my 3+2+5 goal for the day AND I managed to drink 72 oz. of water vs. the 64 oz. they recommend.  A very successful start!

The First Order

I had to place my first order for food by 2:00 PM today.  The HMR program is a Very Low Calorie Diet (VLCD) that requires medical supervision.  This is because you're generally below 1,200 calories a day for a relatively extended period of time.  In my case, it will be at least six months, but quite possibly longer than that depending on how much weight I lose. 

In order to better control calories and portion sizes, they require you to use their products while on the program.  My choice was the Healthy Solutions option, where I order their products but supplement it with fresh fruit and vegetables.  No fruit or vegetable is off limits!  If I want five bananas tomorrow, I can have them.  Particularly if they're going to keep me away from foods like the ones I ate last night for dinner.

The Healthy Solutions program is based on a 3+2+5 system.  I must have three "shakes", two entrees and at least five servings of fruits and veggies daily.  "Shakes" are in quotes because I have other options that are not really shakes, but that count towards that goal.  For instance, I could have a hot multigrain cereal that would count towards the three, or I could have all shakes, or I could have chicken soup.  "Shakes" is just easier since that will probably be what I end up having more often than not anyway.

So, friends...I give you my first order:

• 1 package vanilla shakes
• 1 package chocolate shakes (these taste like Wendy's frosty's...what's not to love?)
• 2 BBQ Chicken entrees
• 2 Bean and Beef enchilada entrees
• 1 Pot Roast
• 2 Beef Stroganoff
• 1 Cheese Ravioli
• 2 Lasagna with Meat Sauce
• 1 Pasta Fagioli
• 1 Savory Chicken
• 2 Turkey Chili (over a baked potato maybe?!)

They provided me with some samples the other day when I went in to meet with the dietitian.  So far, from what they provided, I only tried the multigrain cereal, which was pretty good.  I need to get some fruit and veggies for the week so I'm prepared.  My last goal for this week is to pick up some workout DVDs.  I already know I want to buy Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred, but need some more options.  If you have any I have to try, let me know in the comment section!

The Last Supper

This post is an homage, of sorts, to the experience I created known as "The Last Supper."  This was an opportunity for me to enjoy a last social outing with friends and family where I could really cut loose and enjoy whatever I wanted.  As I prepare to make what I've dubbed 'a clean break with food' so that I can start to have a different relationship with it, this was an important step to me.  I did not want to feel like I'd deprived myself of anything.

 

A friend suggested Post 390 for The Last Supper.  It had all of the elements of a perfect evening:  great location, wonderful ambiance, a fantastic menu full of comfort food, and a wine list that rivals most of the restaurants in the city.  In the end, it was a perfect evening.  We shared quite a few laughs and I had everything I felt I could possibly want before buckling down and starting the program on Thursday morning.

The Power of Positive Thinking

I was racing like a lunatic.  We sat in traffic for about ten minutes on the back road while a massive wheel lashed to a crane hovered over our lane.  The cop wasn't letting any cars through.  Frustrated, I turned the car in the opposite direction and took another route.  "This always happens to me when I've got somewhere important to go!" I exclaimed, thoroughly exasperated.

Somehow, I managed to get to the appointment at precisely four o'clock.  "You're right on time," she said, kindly, "I got your voicemail so I thought you'd be a little late." 

"Sorry," I said.  "I try to call and let people know if I think I'll be late, but it all worked out.  I'm here, and I'm ready."

She ushered me into an office, asked for my paperwork and pointed towards the scale.  Oh GOD! my brain screamed, I can't step on that thing!  I know I gained weight.  I gained like five pounds since I weighed myself the other day.  Damnit!  I didn't think I'd be weighed today.  It doesn't really start until Wednesday.  Why did I drink that whole bottle of wine last night?!?!  Grrrr!  I cursed football.  If it hadn't been for NFL officials scheduling a Patriots game yesterday, I wouldn't have eaten all of that.  Or at least that's what I convinced myself.

Reluctantly, I took off my boots and stepped on the scale.  Surprisingly, it said I was two pounds lighter than when I weighed myself the other day.  Every scale is calibrated differently, I reminded myself.

We had a long chat about my weight history (yes, I really have been fat my whole life.  Evidence:  see  baby pictures with fat thighs that look like they had rubber bands on them), my health (yes, I really do have osteoarthritis in my knee and no, I'm not even middle aged) and what I've been doing to prepare myself mentally and physically for what's to come:

• Tried out Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred DVD and lived to tell about it (barely)
• Scheduled a Last Supper with some friends
• Started packing up the foods that will tempt me so I won't have them in the house
• Emailed family to ask them not to make me cookie trays for the holidays
• Started writing out a grocery list for the things I can have
• Began laying out a plan for what to eat and when (for example, I can't make shakes at work, so what's the workaround?)
• Drank the booze that could temp me while I'm on the restricted phase (because giving it away would be alcohol abuse)
• Developing a support network for when the going gets tough

I feel like I'm in a really good place right now.  I feel like I am finally ready to make a clean psychological break with food and start to see it with a more critical eye.  I chatted with the dietitian quite extensively about the cultural effects on food and the ideas some of us have about it.  I'm not saying it's my family's fault or my genetics for my being fat - I take full responsibility.  With that said, though, we do love our food and in my family we use it for far more than nourishment.  It's encouragement when you're sad, it's love when you're lonely, we use it to celebrate and reward and to show we care.  If my BMI is any indication, then I am TRULY loved.

It's going to be important to break those cycles if I want to be successful.  Food should be pleasurable, but there must be limitations as well.  I need a more balanced approach.

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

I've started to talk about this new endeavor in relatively vague terms.  "I'm starting a new diet" or "I have to eat all I can before next Thursday."  I haven't delved too much into the inspiration and motivation I'm hoping to drum up so that I'll have something to keep stoking the fires on the days when it's not just tough but downright unbearable.

I gave some thought to the types of organizations I would like to support.  I wanted organizations that didn't just stand for something I believe in, but that are also run effectively.  I scoured.  I searched.  I asked around.  In the end, I've decided on three local Boston charities that I'll be lending support to during this journey.

In no particular order...

To promote the end of hunger in Massachusetts, Project Bread.  This is a well-known and respected organization that works tirelessly to provide meals and food support to other organizations, schools, summer programs and elder care facilities throughout the state.  If you're going to have a strong body, you need excellent nutrition and access to healthy options.  This is not about giving any food, but about giving the right food.


I have found, through my volunteer efforts with the Boston Food Bank, that many times the items that are donated are not that healthy.  It goes back to the old 'beggars can't be choosers.'  Well, yes and no.  A large part of the reason we've become so overweight is because we've allowed convenience to overpower old-fashioned common sense.  I'm the first to raise my hand and say 'guilty as charged.'  But that doesn't mean we can't provide those in need with healthy options.  Project Bread fills this gap.


Next, I wanted to focus on organizations that promote physical activity, particularly for children during the critical time when habits are easier to form.  I played sports as a child, but I was never 'thin' for my age, and I wasn't consistent with it.  I never found that thing that made me truly excited enough to stick with it.  Since moving to Boston and watching the shells glide along the Charles River, I've become interested in rowing.  I haven't done it myself, but it's on my life-long list of 'to do's'.


Because of this, G-ROW Boston seemed like the perfect fit for this initiative.  G-ROW provides girls throughout Boston with the opportunity to not just learn rowing, but to compete and ultimately to train others to do the same.  Empowering girls to grow beyond their current physical state and develop strong relationships, self-confidence and develop skills, is certainly something I can feel comfortable supporting.


Along this vein, another organization that caught my attention is CycleKids.  This Cambridge-based charity provides riding lessons, safety skills, science and healthy nutrition.  By engaging schools and community centers, CycleKids provides urban children with opportunities to enjoy physical activity and learn why a healthy lifestyle is so important.


I have already found that I am no longer worried about the things I will have to give up in order to lose weight and reach my personal goals, but am energized and excited by having the opportunity to provide some tangible improvement in the lives of those around me at the same time.

At the Starting Line

Photo copyright Derek Sivers, 2008

I am staring at the dryer.  My jeans are in there.  I hear the metal buttons tapping against the drum in a rhythmic pattern.  They're not going to fit, I thought to myself.  Every time they come out of the dryer, it's such a struggle.  How do they shrink so much in between each wash?  It's not like I wait a month.  Gross.  I was truthfully worried.  There is a black hole in my dryer; it eats the stretch right out of my jeans.  That had to be the answer.

Except it wasn't.  

I should have had an honest conversation with myself.  I knew why I was about to engage in an intense battle attempting to get the button to meet the buttonhole.  Oh, the gap!  The weight had been creeping on for months.  Realistically, I knew this.  But when you're standing there and the world seems to move in slow motion while you reach in and grab your warm jeans, there's nothing more important than simply getting them on.  I bet Skinny Bitches don't ever have this conversation with themselves, you nut I chided.

I slipped my legs in.  They're never the issue.  I pulled them up around my hips and took a deep breath.  Here we go.  After pulling, tugging, gasping for air, blowing my bangs out of my eyes, jumping around to get everything all tucked in and laying on the floor to make those babies fit, I finally managed it.  I really have to do something about this.  Now.

Like a lightening bolt of divine intervention, I'd just happened to remember that two days later I had scheduled an appointment with my primary doctor.  I'd talk to her about it then.  Maybe she could give me an appetite suppressant or just wire my jaw shut for a few months.  That would work.  Instead, she gave me some handouts (she's big on them, you see) about a local hospital's Weight Management Clinic.

Weight Management.  Now there's a novel idea.  Over the years that's been my exact challenge.  I can lose the weight.  Atkins, South Beach, cabbage soup until you'd like to vomit, detailed calorie counting, excessive exercise, Mediterranean Diet, removing gluten, going vegetarian, Weight Watchers (really?  Where am I watching it go?), Jenny Craig, Slimfast, fat burning pills that made me loopy, 'natural' supplements, acai (the wonder drug that did no wonders for me).  All of them had some qualities that helped me lose some weight here and there, but almost every time I've gained back all I've lost and then some sympathy pounds as well.  Those tears don't fall into empty Haagen Dazs pints by accident, friends.

"I will call them as soon as I'm feeling better," I told my doctor. 

On Monday, I was feeling worse.  But I called anyway.  "What timing!" the woman on the other end of the phone exclaimed, "We have an introduction session tomorrow night.  Can you attend?"


"Yes."  Recovering from bronchitis, I dragged myself to the session.  I was famished.  I'd had a cup (yes, I measured) of quinoa and veggies (thank you Trader Joe's frozen food section) for lunch, but now it was well past my dinner time.  Fortunately they greeted us with chocolate shakes and turkey chili.  This is going to help me lose weight, I thought dramatically, This tastes like a pit stop at Wendy's.


By the time the session was over, I knew this was something I absolutely had to try.  The food was delicious.  There is a lot of accountability and an intense focus on weight management once the goal is reached.  The program is easy enough, in theory.  Three shakes a day, two entrees a day and all the fruit and veggies I want.  But life isn't that easy, is it?


For one, it's expensive.  I'm combating this by re-prioritizing some things in my life to accommodate it.  Secondly, how do you go out to eat with friends when you can't eat anything that's not on the program?   Will I have to become a social hermit until I can eat 'real' food again?  It was a concern for a few minutes until I realized that many things, especially the things that are hard and elusive require sacrifice.  No need to be a martyr about it.  I'll find a workaround.  Salads are acceptable.


And so, I find myself at the starting line once again.  On Monday, I will meet with the dietitian.  We'll meet to discuss my short-term and long-term goals.  Right now, I feel like an 85-95 pound weight loss is what I'd ideally like to achieve.  The really funny thing about this is that the few people I've admitted this to seem absolutely horrified.  Well sure, if you only weigh 150 pounds that seems unimaginable; there'd be practically nothing left.  I assure you, I don't have that 'problem' though it'd be one I'd love to have.  We'll see if the dietitian agrees that this is a reasonable long-term goal for me.


In the short-term, I'd like to work on re-incorporating physical activity back into my life.  Since I've moved to Boston I've had practically no excuse to actually move.  I remember a time only a few years ago when I was doing some impressive work in a Captain's Chair at the gym.  Now, I'd be laughed out of there.  So the short-term goal isn't really about weight, but about getting 30 minutes of physical activity per day at least three times a week.  


Someone recommended that I find ways to 'treat' myself when I reach certain milestones.  They're well-meaning, I know.  But really, reaching those milestones are inspiration enough for myself.  So, as part of this process, I've promised that for every ten pounds I lose, I will make a small charitable donation to local organizations.  This way, everyone benefits.


Now, if you'll excuse me.  I have to walk to the oven to take out the zucchini bread I've been baking.