I've been reading a lot...and while you probably can't tell from this blog which may seem abandoned (but I assure you is not), I've been learning a lot about what to expect in the days, weeks, months and years post-surgery. Not just about what life will be like - counting grams of proteins, taking miniscule bites, avoiding buffets like the plague - but about the things people wish others had told them before they were wheeled into the operating room.
So, on a lark, I decided to write about what I've set myself up to expect. I probably have a strange sense of humor (fine, yeah, I do), but I think it will be funny and interesting to come back here, to this moment, and find out if I was on target or if I really had as little a clue as just about anyone else standing where I am at the moment.
- I'm pretty sure that some of my relationships are going to change. I'm not just talking food here, people. I mean relationships with friends and family where interactions that were primarily based around food and the act of eating probably won't be as much fun for me anymore. Marathon sessions at the buffet won't be an option and I'm sure I won't be popular when fat people complain about their weight because, ya know, there are options - and this one may not be right for you, but it just might be.
- I'm both excited and nervous about what's underneath all of this junk in my trunk. You ever clean out the junk in your actual trunk and discover things that you'd forgotten were there? How exciting when you pull out that old band t-shirt that slipped into the spare tire well! But what about when you're cleaning it out and find that greasy rag from the time you sprung a leak and now it's moldy and gross and you don't want to touch it but it's right in front of your face and now you've got to do something with it? Not so much fun anymore. 'Fat' has been something that has insulated me - not just from the cold weather - but maybe even from myself. While I'm excited to see what's beneath there, it's also a scary place because what if I discover that I don't actually like myself and now I've got nothing with which to cover that up?
- I wonder if I'm prepared for the shift in the way society will perceive me. I may not be able to get away with starting so many of my diatribes with, "Well, I'm not what society deems to be attractive, so I don't have that problem." I wonder if more doors will open for me, and if they do, will that change me or will I appreciate the boost that I believe thin women get. There have been scientific studies that infer that overweight women are viewed as slow, unintelligent, less talented - even though that isn't how we really are, it's just how people perceive us. How will I deal with having to set the labels aside and learn to graciously acknowledge the shift in perception while working hard to change it?
- Celebrate the small, incremental changes too. It's not all about skydiving in San Diego or hiking the entire Appalachian Trail. Am I really prepared for how good it's going to feel to walk up a flight of stairs without both of my knees about to buckle? Am I prepared to see my feet and not just take the compliments on my shoes at face value? Am I ready to stop hearing, "You have such a beautiful face, but..."?
- It's okay if I really do not like yoga. I don't have to. But I should at least try to remember what it's like to contort my body in such ways. Will I regret not continuing with gymnastics? Or will I remember why I didn't continue doing cartwheels in the first place?
- Despite not being hungry in the first few weeks or months, it won't always be that way. And eventually, I will feel hungry and I will also be able to eat. Not like I do now, but still, a lot more than I can immediately post-op. I've got to establish good habits now so that I can continue to lose the weight when I won't have the help of not feeling hungry.
- When people tell you how "easy" it is for you, just smile and walk away. Lots of people think that gastric bypass is the easy way out. Let them continue thinking whatever they want, because no amount of trying to educate them is going to make them change their minds. When they're ready, they'll search for the answers themselves. Let them see how "easy" it is if they decide to do it for themselves - all of the appointments, preparing, remembering all of the rules, setting up your support system, getting into exercise and eating routines, the actual experience of the surgery and all of the post-op pain...and on and on and on.
- It's going to take time to remember that I'm not as fat as I used to be. I'll feel like I really succeeded when I stop going to plus size departments by instinct.
- Resist the urge to measure success by the successes of others. I won't lose weight at the same rate as everyone else. So I should count my losses as my own and not worry about how I'm stacking up against everyone else.
- Save now for any cosmetic surgeries you may need or want down the line. Don't let 'not having the money' deter you from being able to be fully happy and comfortable in your own skin (and in less of it!).
My surgery is officially scheduled for next Wednesday. All of my clearances were received. The insurance company didn't delay in approving me. I've had my pulmonary functions tests, met with the anesthesiologist, picked up my post-op prescriptions and am literally getting my house in order before I'm admitted next week.
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