Wow, it's been a while since I had anything to say here. Well, that's not entirely true. What I could have said over the last month and a half is that I've gained back all of the weight (and then some) that I lost on the HMR plan. I also could have said that I've started a new job, have been prepping for a lot more business trips than I've had in years, and that with my new schedule I haven't been to the grocery store in about a month.
But I haven't said any of that.
What I also haven't said - with the exception of a handful of people already hearing about it - is that I've decided to have gastric bypass surgery.
Stop the presses! Did she just say what I think she said?!?!
Yes, I did.
This isn't a decision that I've come to lightly. This isn't a Woe-Is-Me-If-Only-I-Could-Give-Up-Donuts pity party. It's based on a number of things including the general state of my health (asthma and arthritis make it difficult to exercise; PCOS and insulin resistance make it hard to lose weight and keep it off for any amount of time), the fact that my cholesterol and blood pressure are continuing to move in the wrong direction, and that carrying this extra weight is a serious health risk given my family history.
Like a lot of people, I used to think that gastric bypass surgery was the "easy way out," that simply not being physically able to overeat was easier than forcing myself not to eat large quantities of the wrong foods. But I was clearly misinformed.
When they [the researchers and doctors] tell you that the only solution is to make a lifestyle change, they're not kidding. Gastric bypass is a serious lifestyle change. It means I won't be able to imbibe adult beverages as often or in the quantities I am currently able to. It means I won't be able to have a drink (even water) with my meal, but only before or after it. It means I will have to force myself to eat slower, chew my food longer, or face the consequences of not being able to digest it. Unpleasant! And of course, it means the realities that go along with any kind of surgery.
The next three to six months of my life will be hyperfocused on this one thing, this one goal. There is actually quite a lot of work to do both before and after. I've already met with the surgeon and went for my initial labwork. I have scheduled a physical with my primary care doctor. I've signed up for the first support group in April (attendance is mandatory). I've scheduled evaluations with a cardiologist and pulmonologist and have calls into both a dietician and mental health professional - all of whom will need to provide clearance prior to my insurance company approving the surgery. This is scary stuff. For the next three to six months, I'll be a human pin cushion.
What has also been difficult - yes, already - is encountering sizeism within the plus size realm. I suppose that many women's nature is to be catty and insecure given all of the messaging we receive about how we're just not good enough for one reason or another. I've encountered quite a lot of sizeism in my life - but it's primarily been normal-weight people making comments about my size; it hasn't really been aimed at me by other plus sized people, let alone other plus sized women.
So, to encounter that for the first time in over three decades was quite a shock. To have an overweight person tell me that I was not entitled to be there [there being the surgeon's office] and to assume that losing weight for me would be as easy as "cutting soda from my diet" is presumptuous, unnecessary and hurtful. I've shopped in plus size stores and gotten funny looks at the grocery store when I load fruits and vegetables onto the belt, but I've never been made to feel like an outsider by the people I consider my own.
I am happy with my decision and I'm particularly happy that I am doing this now and not a hundred pounds from now. I do not ever want to be that bitter, fat lady trying to tell other people about themselves.
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